Oh it’s just Tuesday.

When was the last time when I got excited about going to my computer and writing a blog post or anything on my computer for that matter? I couldn’t tell ya, but I do know it has been a long while.

Interesting things about life:


blue flower gobletMy absolute favorite glassware was a random $1 piece from and end-cap in Kroger one spring and I’ll probably never see it again so I have two goblets I adore with beautiful blue flowers and I think the world might end if one breaks. If I ever found this again, or knew about it the first time around I’d buy more than a dozen (goblets, straight glasses, whatever – I love it).

I read blogs now through a Feedly app on my Kindle Fire (I’m not even going to put an affiliate link, because those are causing me irritation these days. However if by seeing the phrase Kindle Fire you feel so inclined to go to Amazon and perhaps purchase a Kindle or anything else, please consider using my links (bottom of the page on the right). ) and what is interesting is that half of the blogs I want to follow won’t seem to work on Feedly, but it’s the only app that works well. Next is the fact that through the browsing feature I’m unable to comment. So I read you, I lurk, but I cannot comment. Sorry. I’m not getting up to my computer that I despise lately just to give you a thumbs up, but I wish I could do it through my device. I guess they need to work on more interactivity with the mobile browsing. Who knows.

I haven’t been to the YMCA in probably over a month. Why? I’m not allowed to exercise right now. Not until I get the go-ahead from the doctor. So while I could go and just put my kids in for the free two hours, some reason I just don’t. I guess part of it might be I’ll have to talk to people. I’ll have to explain why I’ve been gone.

I have four, count them – FOUR, stacks of books to be read on my bedside table. I’m not talking a book or two per stack, but the reason there are more than just the one stack is because they get precarious after you stack about ten books up or so, so I had to make a new stack so as not to be awakened in the middle of the night by a book avalanche. That really would not endear the Enginerd… How in the world will I get my reading desire back?

I had it back. All through the surgery issue and stress surround the “situation” I wanted to read. Not right now, not today. I mean I suddenly have a desire to read my devotionals (I’ve got two going right now) and the Bible and some Bible reference stuff that I’m a year overdue on reviewing, but I’m just wanting to read that and not much more. Something grab me please.

I’m not pregnant anymore. On July 25th I found out we were pregnant for the third time and I really wanted this pregnancy. My girls are adorable and I was thinking I was brave enough to actually wish for a boy this time around, although another girl to the pile would be just as much fun. I kept picturing a fellow bloggers family (Teaching Stars) with her trio learning about this and that on their homeschooling adventures. On August 8th, the ultrasound showed four weeks when we were expecting seven so that was a bit bizarre. Somewhere around August 19th we had another u/s that showed not quite five weeks and they told me a diagnosis of a blighted ovum and to expect a miscarriage and recommended I go ahead and schedule a D&C. I balked. I read a million forums and found these posts about b/o that came back a week later to have a healthy heartbeat so I decided to wait. August 25th I started to miscarry on my own. On August 28th I had a D&C to finish what I couldn’t and my pregnancy was really over. There was no more just maybe hope. I’m really not pregnant anymore.

The last two years have been killer. I guess if I really think about it the last five years have been pretty rough. Or six or seven. Trying and failing to get pregnant. Success! Buying a house and making a home. Job loss. Move to new town, new state, new job! Renting a year and a half, buying a home! Pregnant again! Sinus infection on a three week cycle for over a year for the whole family… toddler adenoid-tonsillectomy surgery. Mama sinus and septum surgery. Surprise weight gain with sinus meds. Tooth emergency dentist visit and start a root canal. Discover a tooth infection that was causing a re-current sinus infection. Over a pea size of my jaw has decayed and now we slowly watch it grow back with each next x-ray. Join the YMCA. Unable to lose anything with a strict diet and crazy exercise all the time lifestyle (that I hate). Since I’m at my pregnancy weight, and not pregnant (in January) my sciatica comes back so I have to start expensive physical therapy. However we don’t find out how expensive for at least three months… Going back every few weeks to check the bone growth, not completed yet. May. Father-in-law passed to cancer. Girls get mystery stomach virus, repeat every two weeks for three months. Pediatric GI doctor gives an umbrella diagnosis – up the fat, avoid the juice, watch them, come back in two months. Issues cause a ulcer rash to my baby’s bum, it clears up with raspberry seed extract and then she has a bm and it gets worse than before. Repeat. The weather starts toward autumn early, my favorite time of year. Discover we’re pregnant! Yay! Discover it won’t last.  Get hope, that just maybe. It’s over. It’s really over. Brain numbing drugs for post operative pain. Horrid headaches that won’t leave. Now it all clears.

I’ve got enough going on in my life. I don’t want to check my email and discover something else. Email I’m avoiding you. You multiply too quickly.

Interestingly, I read stories about how people endure this or that and then blame God or insist he doesn’t exist and my brain doesn’t even go there. Yes there was a time that I pulled away, but that was not saying he wasn’t there, even then. That was saying I screwed up too far, too badly to be forgiven. But – thank you Aaron – I learned better. I learned that I had to forgive myself before I could see he forgave me a long time ago. Tragedy doesn’t make me run from God. It doesn’t make me question him. He’s there. There is some reason I’m enduring this and I’ll get through it.

A couple of months ago, before the pregnancy I was really bad off. Suicidal practically. Then it went away. The Enginerd and I are thinking it was the getting back to ovulation and early pregnancy hormones. Today not a speck of that enters my mind and it’s a bizarre thing to think about it having been there. Who knows, God has a reason. We’re all ups and downs. The thing is with a down, it has to come back up. The dawn will come again. I just have to ride it out the storm will pass. Yours will too. 


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About CherryBlossomMJ

The Creative Madness Mama also known as Margaret is a Christian Stay-at-home Mama, married to the Enginerd, Quilter, avid reader and book-a-holic. A book blogger for bunches of different publicists. She loves to share the latest and greatest about books coming out as well as her quilt and other crafty projects with some pictures of her eight-year-old AppleBlossom, three-year-old Almond Blossom (the Rascal boy!), six-year-old OrangeBlossom (the Princess), and newborn Mermaid Warrior in between. Plotting to be a homeschooler, she's a cloth diapering, breastfeeding, babywearing, list making mama full of a little creative and a lot of madness.
  • Im sorry to hear what you have been going thru, Im sending good thoughts and prayers!

  • Dear Margaret, I’m so sorry to hear all you’ve been through! You give so much, to your family, to other readers, to authors. Just know that you are in our prayers. And you’re right, “up” will have its day. Thank you for your words of inspiration.

  • Katrina Gormley

    Your post made my heart hurt for you — you’ve been through a lot. I will definitely keep you and your family in my prayers and hope the future brings health and with that all the energy to get back at the things you love. Know too, that like you, I tend to read blogs through a reader, or via email, so although I may not comment often, I am out here reading, and enjoying your posts.

  • I wish we lived closer so I could give you a hug and help out. I am so sorry for the tribulations you’re going through! I believe one of the reasons we are allowed to go through hard times is so that someday (when things are better – and they WILL be better for you!) we will have empathy for another person who is going through terrible times. Especially the deep depression… that is scary stuff and not something you can just “shake off” – not everyone understands how it feels or works. You and your sweet family are going on my prayer list right now! ♥
    Lindsey@Kindred Spirit Mommy´s last blog post ..Weekly Wrap-Up (Our First Homeschool Week!)

    Lindsey@Kindred Spirit Mommy recently posted: Weekly Wrap-Up (Our First Homeschool Week!)
  • My favorite verse in my darkest time, “You, LORD, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.” Psalm 18:28
    Lindsey@Kindred Spirit Mommy´s last blog post ..Weekly Wrap-Up (Our First Homeschool Week!)

    Lindsey@Kindred Spirit Mommy recently posted: Weekly Wrap-Up (Our First Homeschool Week!)
    • That’s a good one. It’s interesting that lately every verse in my devotional is written directly to me. I’ll post them in a minute.

  • Deb

    I’m so sorry you lost your precious baby. How awful. I hope this Fall brings good things to you and your family.
    Deb´s last blog post ..Random Monday

    Deb recently posted: Random Monday
    • Fall is my favorite season, so it’s a great time to be heading into that’s for certain!