It’s been 2 years, 9 months, 2 weeks, and 2 days since I had a first-trimester miscarriage that was diagnosed as a blighted ovum and ended in bleeding and a necessary D&C surgery. Why would I remind you? Why would I dwell on it and bring it up again? Well… I’ve been a little quiet around here lately. Pretty much my only social online interaction has been my stitch therapy sharing progress updates on my WIPs and new starts. Now I’ll tell you the reason why.
I’m pregnant! Well, sorta.
After we got married we tried for two years without success to get pregnant, but were finally blessed with AppleBlossom in 2009. Just as soon as we wanted we gave her the Princess for a little sister in 2011. When we first started trying again, we had a miscarriage in 2013. However, that angel baby was followed by our very wanted Rascal son in 2014. We’re set. We have a wonderful little family. The idea of more is a see-saw of emotions. I’ve always wanted five, but that doesn’t mean they have to be absolute stair-step children. At the same time, I haven’t a clue where in the house I would put another child, even though I’m sure we’d figure it out. So anyway…
The last couple weeks, I have been a whirlwind of emotions and then I started noticing symptoms and realizing that I indeed might be pregnant. So I was freaking out but secretly delighted as well. Finally, my best friend talked me into buying a test and it (BFP test line!) was a dark as could be. I made an OB appointment, first they could do, at five days out. When that appointment came around by LMP dates I should have been about 9 weeks and 4 days along, but there is no telling really as I have not been fully charting. I have possible dates, but not the full scale of data like I normally do.
At that appointment, due to my history, they decided to do an ultrasound for dating and found a 6 week-something gestational sac with an empty interior. Blood draws set me at a decent HCG, but an extremely low progesterone. They tentatively diagnosed me with a blighted ovum, again, and sent me home. In the next few days I was HCG tested again, to find rising levels, but not doubling officially. They gave me a Rx for progesterone and told me again that they are pretty sure this is a blighted ovum and set an ultrasound for two weeks out to check for changes.
The next ultrasound was last Friday. Here, I discovered the sac still appears to be empty. It has grown from 17mm at the last scan to 19mm. It is nearly perfectly round without any abnormality in form, but empty. The tech and OB tell us again, they are pretty sure this is a blighted ovum and give me the three options. Wait it out. Take a pill. Or surgery, again. Worse case scenario if I wait, is that I will end up needing surgery anyway. So I decided to give it time and go for another almost three weeks before another scan for change.
I am a roller coaster of emotions. I’m so blessed and content with my littles already, but this also devastates me. It is hard to find the right level of emotion for a response. We haven’t told the kiddos whats-up, but I wonder how much little miss almost seven years old is gathering from all the interactions and mama’s mood swings.
I am in full first trimester symptoms. I look pregnant. Being the fifth time around, my uterus took no time at all to respond and scream to the passer by look at this belly! Heartburn, indigestion, cry at the drop of a hat, gag reflex, consistent car sickness feeling without actually becoming ill, hot hands, they are all present. I’m also still nursing my 23 month old son. In 2013, I hardly had a symptom and the BFP test line was so faint we wondered if it wasn’t a glitch.
I’m not having any bad symptoms. No bleeding, no cramping, nada. But we are told to expect it at any day. If we didn’t have scans they might still assume something from the progesterone levels. If we had not had any blood test, I assume they’d just label me as pregnant and see you in a month. You know?
It is a very strange place to be. Am I ecstatic because I’m pregnant? Am I in the depths of despair, because the OB diagnoses the worst to come?
For now, we wait. Day at a time. Distract myself by quilting projects and cross stitching. Summer school plans have pretty much gone out the window, and I’m praying that I will know a true outcome, come what may, before we get back to school in a few months. Only time will tell.
There are many stories online of others that I have found where it was indeed the sad outcome and the baby was gone or stopped developing. It is apparently believed to be a chromosomal thing where your body takes care of things. I have also read stories where they were diagnosed with a blighted ovum from early on, but found the beating heart at 11 or 13 weeks and so on to the shock and surprise of their OB and others.
It is completely in God’s hands. No matter what, I just need patience to see which way the outcome will go. So… that’s what is up with me.